Living in Color

by Nikki Russel, Recovery Coach

November 22, 2022

Culture develops my belief system, that develops my traditions, that gives me a sense of self within a community. Culture gives me my values; it tells me how to live my life.

The culture of “letting go” versus holding onto to a belief system that was given to me. The culture I had before recovery was about thinking I was not enough and spending every waking hour trying to prove to the world I was worthy of their love and attention. I changed everything that was authentic about me to what the world expected from me.

My colors were too bright, I needed to dim my shine to make people feel comfortable. This grey life that I existed in was protection and I lived inside this wound that became my culture. Surviving the daily trauma became my God. I learned a skillset that protected from love, trauma told me to push people away because they would hurt me.

When I entered recovery, a new culture began emerging, learning that I could create the life that I was worthy of, I needed to learn that the colors of me are beautiful even if the world does not approve. I am learning that when trauma knocks on the door, that tension in my heart, it is God reminding me to live life in color, not in the grayness of my wounding. Letting go of the need to be in control, to be effective, and the need to be right is affording me the freedom to live outside my trauma.

I have developed a culture of recovery that offers a new belief system, a set of values that requires me to be vulnerable. Today my culture exists in the very thing that I was so afraid of in my addiction - …LOVE.


Leave a Reply