by Andi Daniel, Technology Coordinator
December 12, 2023
I am a "grinch." Originally, that was a title given to me by people around me. Specifically when I worked at an early childhood program and had small children of my own. I do not enjoy the holidays. There were many years that we didn't put up a Christmas tree and when my co-workers heard me say that, they acted as if I was severely neglecting my children. We aren't a religious family so we really only celebrated Christmas as a secular holiday. I enjoyed Christmas Day as a kid. It was predictable. Christmas Eve was different. We spent Christmas eve with my dad's family and Christmas Day with my mom's family. My grandpa on my mom's side loved decorating for the holidays and genuinely enjoyed Christmas so it was fun to be there. Celebrations with my dad's extended family were always focused around alcohol and were not enjoyable. Inevitably, some family members would have a disagreement that resulted in loud arguments which were scary as a young child but I got to spend time with my great grandma who I adored so I could sometimes block out the other stuff. When my great grandma moved into a nursing home, those larger family gatherings ended and we would visit her on holidays. It was easy to leave when more people showed up because there simply wasn't enough space in her room for several people.
My parents divorced when I was a senior in high school so my first Christmas back from college was different. My dad had moved in with a girlfriend and her family celebrated on Christmas Eve so that disrupted the predictability I had with Christmas. We no longer spent Christmas eve with my dad's family and were forced to split Christmas Day between two households. I hated it. My mom was always very accommodating since my dad worked on the railroad and his work schedule was unpredictable. My mom and grandma would work around whatever my dad's plans were but I still hated it. Part of this, I'm sure, was related to the excessive changes that had happened during the last couple years of high school and into college. My maternal grandfather died, my parents divorced, I started college out of state, my mom moved out of my childhood home, my dad moved 20 miles from my hometown and in with his girlfriend, and I had a volatile romantic relationship. So while none of that was really related to the holidays, Christmas kind of brought all that into focus at one time.
When I had children I thought maybe the holiday spirit would come back to me but it just complicated things more. Now I had another family to consider and accommodate. I did enjoy buying or making gifts for my kids and doing the secular Christmas things but when my maternal grandma moved out of her house and into an assisted living apartment, things changed again. She wasn't able to cook Christmas dinner in her apartment and my mom had moved out of town so I felt like it was my responsibility to take over those holiday tasks. But I really wasn't good at it. I could never manage to get all the food ready at the same time and couldn't figure out how my grandma always managed to do that. I found out later that she just knew how to keep things warm while the rest of the food was cooking. But to me as a child, it always looked perfect. And that was the problem. I wanted the holidays to be perfect. I felt like I was failing by not managing things the way my parents and grandparents had. I was stressed about gifts, decorations, food, etc. It only got worse when I divorced and now had to schedule events around another household and another family when my ex-husband moved in with his girlfriend.
Here is the thing about perfectionism. My rational brain knows that none of this will be perfect and that my children won't be scarred for life if the turkey is dry or dinner happens at 6pm instead of 2pm. These are small things but my emotional self still had these high expectations. If I couldn't meet them, I was a failure. The expectations of those co-workers who thought I was neglectful for not having a Christmas tree didn't help. Being forced to decorate my office or hallway for Christmas irritated me. Christmas music sets me on edge. Crowded stores stress me out. On the other hand, I love acting in the Christmas Pantos that my theatre company does every few years. I've even directed a few Christmas shows. This gives me something to focus on during the holidays and because I have given up trying to make things perfect, I don't have as much to do as some other actors and directors. The last few years have been very quiet around the holidays. My grandma passed away several years ago. My daughters live out of state and have significant others so sometimes they come home and sometimes they don't. My mom spends Christmas with my brother's family in California because he likes Christmas and has younger children. She always asks if its okay and I always tell her to go. She visits me regularly anyway so it makes sense for her to visit them when she can. I always have a standing invitation to go to California, but I really don't mind being alone on Christmas or Thanksgiving. There are no expectations, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can simply enjoy a few days off from work.
I don't worry about gifts much because I buy my kids monthly subscription boxes instead of birthday or Christmas gifts. They get to pick what they like, they can change it whenever they want to, and it cuts down on me frantically trying to decide what to buy for everyone.
Just as it is okay not to be okay, it is okay not to like holidays. So, yes, I am still a "grinch" but now I embrace that side of me.