As I am walking down the sidewalk, crisp leaves crunch beneath my feet and I cannot help but think about when I was a little girl, and my uncle would rake all the leaves into a big pile for us to jump in. My innocent years before I understood what my little life could become.

It’s the season of changes. During this time of the year, we can have a mixture of emotions that we are feeling, dealing, and coping with. Everyone in recovery has their own story and I know for me, mine involves a lot of good times, amazing times, and a lot of traumatic times too.

Seasonal change definitely has its effects on me. Initially it seems to have a positive effect. I get excited when the season changes from summer to fall and then from fall to winter. I love that my environment in my home changes as we decorate for Halloween and Thanksgiving and then again for Christmas. It’s a tangible signal that the holidays are coming. I look forward to togetherness, corn mazes, pumpkin carving, all the colors of the autumn leaves. I’m wrapped up in the love and magic of Christmas, the kindness of giving, to cozy inside and beautiful snow and lights outside. There are so many things that fill me up!

There are also plenty of things that can be overwhelming and anxiety producing during the holidays. I have a panic disorder and I struggle with depression. I have spent some time figuring out my anxiety triggers and working with my therapist to develop strategies and building coping skills to better navigate the extreme stress and anxiety that the holidays can bring for me. But it’s after the holidays that I really feel the effects of seasonal change. I kind of sink into this depression after my fancy holiday anxiety goes away. It’s dark and cold all the time. I don’t want to go and do anything. I just want to sit at home, wrapped in a blanket, and do nothing. The longer I do nothing, the more depressed I get. Now that I’m working from home, I could see this get bad rather quickly. So, I make a plan with people I’m accountable to. I make commitments to activities with people that require me to get dressed and leave the house for a couple of hours at least a couple times a week.

My family’s commitment to playing sports gets me out of the house for practices and games every other season of the year, but winter sports have not yet been a thing in my household. So, we will make plans with friends, do date nights and family fun nights. Its important for me to do things that require me to be somewhat active while I’m out, such as bowling or axe throwing. I need to have activities that are fun and build relationships, like game nights with our friends. I need to make sure that eating and food isn’t the main focus of all my outside commitments. I need to spend some time outside when the sun is out, sledding, having snowball fights, or just walking. Last, but not least, I need to honestly check in with myself and my family, at least every couple of weeks. How am I actually feeling? Is my partner noticing signs and symptoms I’m unaware of? It’s part of my plan to reach out for help if the activities in my plan are not helping. I have discovered that professional help is necessary sometimes and can be life-changing. I am willing to do the work I can to improve my quality of life, and ask for help when my mental health is suffering. If you struggle with seasonal change, you may benefit from developing skills and strategies of your own. And if you’re struggling with your mental health, please don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

Seasonal changes are an interesting topic for me to write about. Starting my recovery journey in the Great Northwest you would think that I would have lots to say about the topic. I remember while I was going through mental health treatment lots of my peers talked about how the seasonal changes really affected their mental health.

The meaning of recovery to me has evolved over the years as I have evolved. I remember sitting in county jail thinking, “If I can just not get high, get a job somewhere doing anything, and an apartment, that will be enough for me.” My expectations of myself and what life could look like were low. Honestly, if I would have achieved only that, it still would have been recovery, it still would have been a significantly better life than when I was at my lowest.

Recovery allows me to reframe the artwork that is my life. My addiction took that piece of artwork and buried it in the basement of my soul. Through the years, I piled boxes of trauma over the top of it, it gathered dust and lost all its value.

Recovery is the beginning of positive change and evolving into the spirit and human being an individual was meant to be. It’s the bond and balance of body, mind, and soul. It is the discovery of who Creator really made an individual to be.

I believe that relationships are what gives each of our lives purpose. The connection that each of us have with the people in our lives is what gives us the ability have the emotions that we get to experience. I also believe that we get to have a relationship with ourselves.