Nikki Russell | Montana's Peer Network

The Inner Child and My Mental Health Disorder

What people see on the outside is just a hint of what is happening within. Moving through life and feeling the world while my trauma weaves stories about my emotions creates a mental storm legitimized by science as a mental health disorder. Some people call this empathic or highly sensitive, being tuned into what my immediate circle feels and carrying the unspoken weight of our disease. Mental health goes back as far as I could research in my family; it is the generational pattern that has been transferred from mother to child; it manifests as the burning of the internal turmoil in the middle of my life and replaces the peace my heart came here to feel.

Forgiveness is Freedom

If I could give another word for recovery, it would be forgiveness because if resentment is the blind spot of addiction, then forgiveness is a corrected vision. Forgiveness is an inner connection versus an emphasis on the crisis. In other words, resentment is fear, and forgiveness is love.

Putting Principles into Practice

In the beginning of my recovery journey my life was about bringing myself to a balanced state of mind so that I could begin to build a life of purpose. Early recovery was about discovering who I was through a healing process that brought me inwards towards many wounds that I felt would be my demise. Through this emotional roller coaster ride, I learned that after the scariest moments of remembering past hurt came equally enlightening moments of truth that helped me face my past and build a life beyond recovery.

Leap of Faith

Relationships have served as a mirror into my heart, showing me where I need to grow and giving me the inspiration to overcome my greatest fears. Relationships reflect my internal frame of reference, the dominant conditioning that insists on being safe. I unknowingly used relationships to justify an abandonment wound I held since childhood.

Gritty Spirituality

Spirituality is gritty. I spent many years trying to find God, sitting in meditation for hours a day attempting to make her something separate of myself that would give me a golden ticket into heaven. Attempting to be good enough to achieve unlimited access to worth, making up for lost time in meditation and prayer, life could be good if I said the right words and did the right actions.

Living in Color

Culture develops my belief system, that develops my traditions, that gives me a sense of self within a community. Culture gives me my values; it tells me how to live my life.

Growing Through the Seasons of Change

As I am walking down the sidewalk, crisp leaves crunch beneath my feet and I cannot help but think about when I was a little girl, and my uncle would rake all the leaves into a big pile for us to jump in. My innocent years before I understood what my little life could become.

The Art of Recovery

Recovery allows me to reframe the artwork that is my life. My addiction took that piece of artwork and buried it in the basement of my soul. Through the years, I piled boxes of trauma over the top of it, it gathered dust and lost all its value.

Author: Nikki Russell