by Ty LaFountain, Recovery Support Coordinator
December 3, 2024
We all know that the Holiday season can be one of the hardest and most vulnerable times for people in recovery. It may remind us of our pasts and how different our lives are today. I believe this is also a great opportunity to take the time to be grateful for the changes we have made and how different our lives are today. Holidays may hold negative experiences for some or remind us of better times. We may not be able to spend the Holidays with the people we yearn to spend them with and in some cases may have to spend them with people we don’t want to spend them with today. As people in recovery we have learned different ways of coping in different situations and will share some of my tips and secrets for Holiday recovery.
My second Thanksgiving out of prison was when I was invited to a family member’s house. I was given a verbal travel permit by my Parole Officer to travel from Lewistown to Great Falls. When I showed up to my family’s house everyone was already about four or five drinks in, at about 1pm. I instantly knew this was going to be a common LaFountain holiday filled with alcohol and most likely some sort of drama. We made it through dinner, of course by this time everyone is starting to really feel the effects of the alcohol. The couple whose house we are at start to fight, and I mean fight. I looked at my phone and notice there is an AA meeting in about 15 minutes. I go to the meeting, get grounded and am feeling comfortable with going back to my family’s house. As I round the corner to their street, I notice flashing lights and about three cop cars on the two streets intersecting the house I am headed to. I instantly get nervous, and I just drive by without stopping, as I am really not wanting to have any interaction with law enforcement. First, I am a person with a felony on the violent offender registry. Second, as I have already mentioned, I am only on a verbal travel permit; meaning that I have no proof that I am even supposed to be out of Fergus County, let alone at a place where there is alcohol and people drinking and fighting. Last, I have never had a good experience with law enforcement.
I finally get up the courage to go see what is going on inside the house. All I know is that my family is in there, with I am not sure how many police and who knows what is happening. As the only sober person in the family, I may be able to be the peacekeeper here, a role I have never in my life had the opportunity to play. I knock on the door and walk in. I instantly see my one family member, hardly able to talk or stand up straight, telling the cops “This is my house!” They of course ask who I am, I tell them and ask what is going on. They tell me the wife called the cops and wanted the husband removed from the home; however, he has really done nothing wrong. From what they can tell, she may have hit him but have no proof of that either. So, in reality, there is no crime and all they can do is ask for him to go downstairs and her to stay upstairs. I am absolutely baffled at this point and say, “So all he needs to do is go downstairs? He’s not in trouble and isn’t under arrest or anything?” They respond “No, we are just asking him to go downstairs for the rest of the night and for her to leave.” Still in awe of this situation, I am able to talk him into going downstairs with me so the police can leave, she leaves for the night, situation handled. Except, now I am stuck in the basement of this house with an extremely intoxicated relative who insists on continuing to drink, asking me to take a shot with him every time he takes a one.
We make it through the night, I head back to Lewistown the next day, and this has been the last Holiday I have spent with family that was not at my own house. I learned a valuable lesson from this experience. That I must always guard the most valuable thing in my life today, my recovery. The following is a list of tips that I have learned from other people in recovery and tips that I have incorporated into my own life to safeguard my recovery, because chances are, no one else is going to do it for me. These tips are mainly relevant to people in recovery from substances but if adjusted may also apply to people with mental health conditions as well.
- Know before you go: Know what you are headed into before you get there. Find out details of the event. Is there going to be alcohol? Will there be non-alcoholic drinks there? Are there going to be other people in recovery there? Do the people know that you are in recovery? These are some of the things that you should know before you go to any kind of family/friend holiday event. Alcohol tends to be a very common part of the Holidays, and for people who don’t have a problem with alcohol they often don’t understand what it is like for a person who has a substance use disorder. If you don’t feel comfortable don’t go!
- Have an accountabilibuddy (accountability buddy): This is a person that you will help you be accountable and that supports your recovery. This may be a person in recovery or not. The only thing that matters is that they should be sober with you and should be willing to support your setting of boundaries and should be willing to stand up for you and to you if needed. There should be a general understanding set by the two, or more, of you as to what is expected throughout the night. Set these expectations before you get there, not after, and make sure they are agreed on by all parties involved. This may also be someone that you just call and check in with periodically throughout the night.
- Take your own vehicle (if you have one): If you have your own vehicle, make sure that you take it to the event; this way if you start to feel uncomfortable at any point you can leave. Now, I know that not everyone has their own vehicle. Maybe have a ride set up, a person you came with (your accountabilibuddy) that you can tell you are feeling uncomfortable and need to leave. If this is unavailable, make sure that you have $20-$30 in your wallet or credit card to order a taxi or an Uber. If you need to save money prior to the event or borrow money from a family member or friend before you go, do it. Sometimes it is hard to ask for help, ego says I shouldn’t need to ask for help, but at this point, my recovery is the most important thing in my life, and I must act accordingly.
- Always have a drink in your hand (non-alcoholic): One of the best tricks I have learned from other people in recovery is to always have a drink in my hand. Whether this is a coke, water, tea, Red Bull, or whatever you drink. It is also sometimes best if you have it in a red solo cup, so people don’t see you are drinking water, it just looks like you are drinking what everyone else is. I have learned that if you have a drink in your hand, people are less likely to ask if they can get you drink. And if they do, you can just say, “No thanks, I still have this one!” And that is usually the end of that conversation. No need to explain that you are in recovery and explain why you aren’t drinking alcohol (unless you choose to).
- Practice saying no: One of the best ways to get in the habit of saying no is to practice. This is just like anything else in life, muscle memory. The more you say no the easier it gets. One of my favorite things to do with people is “role play.” It always sounds weird and feels weird at first, but I promise, it is helpful and proven to work. Have someone play the role of a family member or friend that may try to “peer” pressure you into having a drink. This role play should be more than one minute. The person playing the role really needs to push the boundaries. This is not just; you say no, and they say okay. This should be realistic, and the person should really pull out all the stops trying to pressure you into having a drink. Someone that is drinking alcohol is most likely not just going to stop after one no.
- Surround yourself with people who truly care about your recovery: You may or may not know who these people are in your life yet. But you will figure it out and sometimes it takes a holiday event to find out. My experience showed me the people that I was around were people who didn’t care about my recovery, and I learned these are the people I choose not be around today. The people I surround myself with today, even if they aren’t in recovery, respect my recovery and ask me if I am comfortable if they drink around me or not. I have had people not drink at an event because they didn’t feel comfortable drinking around me. Not that I asked them not to drink, they just chose to not drink. These are the people that I surround myself with today. These are the same people that now know that I am at the point in my recovery that I am okay with people drinking around me, so they may drink around me, but they are not going to try to pressure me into drinking. These are the same people who saw me at my worst and see the person I am today and like the person I am today.
Whether you are new in recovery or a person in long-term recovery, I hope this is helpful for you. You may have your own tips and tricks that you use for maintaining your recovery through the holidays. These are just a few suggestions and tricks that I have found that work for me. It is important to find what works for you and put it into practice. The number one suggestion that I give to people and that I also use for myself is, if I don’t feel comfortable going into a situation that I feel may put my recovery at risk, I don’t go. Yes, it is true, there may be many holiday traditions that we used to take part in that we can no longer take part in as people in recovery; yet there is also an opportunity here to start new, healthier traditions. Have a Happy Holiday season and I look forward to seeing you all on the other side of the Holidays in recovery.