406.551.1058
info@mtpeernetwork.org

I am lovable, I am lovable, I am lovable!

by Ty LaFountain, Recovery Support Cordinator

October 8, 2024

In recognition of Train Your Brain Day on October 13th, I would like to share one of my secrets that I keep in my toolbox and have incorporated them into my Wellness Recovery Action Plan as something that I must do on a daily basis. This is not something that I have made up or can claim any credit for, but merely a tool that was shown to me early in my recovery that I have continued to do for years.

As a person in long-term recovery from both mental health and substance use disorders(co-occurring), I definitely struggle with some of my thoughts, feelings and actions. Most of these are based on past experiences that I have had. Studies show that our past experiences in situations play a huge role in how we react in similar situations today. Things that have happened in our life create neuropathways; those neuropathways are created by what’s called neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s capacity to continue growing and evolving in response to life experiences. Studies also show that neuroplasticity is at its highest at earlier stages of our lives. Meaning that our childhood experiences play a large role in how we will think, feel and act in certain situations as well as certain core beliefs we may develop. The more positive experiences throughout childhood the more positive ways we react in situations today and vise versa, the more negative childhood experiences we had the more negatively we respond in similar situations today.

Early childhood experiences like my mother having Multiple Sclerosis and being in a vegetative state after I was born and my father being mostly absent throughout my early childhood formed early childhood beliefs that I was unlovable and not good enough. As this continued throughout my life, as a negative core belief, every time something happened in my life to reaffirm these feelings of being unlovable and not good enough, the neuropathways got stronger. I like to think of neuropathways like a dirt road, the more you drive in the same spots, the deeper the ruts, the more pronounced the road becomes. The same with neuropathways, the more they are traveled on, or the more those pathways are activated, the more pronounced they become. So, every time I sat on my porch waiting for my father who never came, and the more I was not comforted in those situations the more it was embedded in my brain that I was unlovable and not good enough. The more this happened the more I believed this would happen in every situation, and I slowly withdrew from people and found my comfort in other things like substances.

Fast forward 20-30 years and look at how those experiences affect my thoughts, feelings and actions today. When I am scheduled to meet someone at a specific time and they are late, as I sit there and wait my brain automatically takes me to that place that I am unlovable and not good enough and this person is most likely not going to show up. The longer that time goes by, the more I subconsciously shutdown and am that kid sitting on the porch waiting for dad to show up, and although my neuroplasticity isn’t what it once was, that same pathway deepens just a little. If that person cancels or does not show, the neuropathway of being unlovable and not good enough gets a little bit deeper.

If this is the case and my feelings, thoughts and emotions are all guided by past experiences then what’s the point? Am I just doomed to this life of feeling unlovable and not good enough?

There is hope! That hope lies in the form of neuroplasticity. Although, not what it once was, we still have neuroplasticity, meaning our brains are still capable of growing and evolving based on life experiences. There are many different types of therapy and techniques that we can use today in order to start to rewire our brain to build new neuropathways. Some of those include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR). These therapy methods focus on taking our negative core beliefs, looking at them and how they were formed and using different techniques and tools to help change those to positive core beliefs that create positive outcomes and actions. Just as with our negative experiences, we must do this over and over, the more we drive down that same road, the deeper the ruts, the more pronounced that road becomes. Those ruts get so deep that soon, we don’t even need to hold the wheel, the car just follows the grooves on its own.

So, what are some tools that I use today? Every morning when I sit down to drink my coffee, I write down three things that I am grateful for today and three positive affirmations about myself. After I have written out my list, I say each one out loud to myself three times. “I am lovable, I am lovable, I am lovable.” This can sometimes be done in front of a mirror, which is thought to be more effective. This begins the process of creating new neuropathways of I am lovable and other positive beliefs to replace the negative beliefs I have been telling myself my entire life. There are different versions of this, I have heard of the 3x3x30. This method is the same concept only you are picking three affirmations that you will tell yourself three times a day for thirty days. After those thirty days you will change your 3x3x30. This is also something that I try to practice throughout the day. Anytime that I have a negative thought, I turn it into a positive, or I may say that thought out loud which takes the power out of it and then I replace it with a positive thought out loud. Notice how I said, I try!” I am not perfect at this, and it takes a lot of practice, time and grace. I did not build these negative thought patterns in one day and I will not change them in one day. I have to give myself grace.

This is just one of the many tools that I use today. It is the one that I do every day, and I believe has really changed my life. I can always tell if I miss a day or sometimes even a couple days. Once again, I am not perfect, I do miss days, sometimes consecutively. And I start to realize I am getting in a negative head space and not being grateful for my surroundings, I take an inventory of myself, and I promptly work to correct my behavior. Once again, this is merely a tool that works for me, that does not mean it works for everybody. Play with it, mold it to fit your life and your recovery. A couple of other tools that I use are ones I mentioned earlier; CBT, REBT, and I have recently started EMDR Therapy with my counselor. One of my favorite tools to use, not just for myself but the people that I am supporting, is SMART Recovery. SMART Recovery uses a mixture of CBT and REBT to help rewire the brain. Once again, there is no one pathway to recovery. If one doesn’t work for you, try something else. There are infinite pathways to recovery.

 

Leave a Reply