by Beth Ayers, Family Support Lead
August 6, 2024
The word boundaries can bring to mind a variety of images and feelings. Boundaries can have a negative connotation or conjure feelings of safety. Boundaries can be a hard concept for many. Often, setting boundaries feels uncaring. I personally have a love/hate relationship with boundaries. I find the concept confusing when trying to apply it to my life and relationships. Setting boundaries can cause conflict with others whose boundaries are different. Essentially, boundaries protect the important things in life. In order to set effective boundaries, you have to know your priorities. And to know your priorities, you first have to know your values.
Values are the “gut level” qualities that guide you. Values are those things most important to you. Your non-negotiables. There are over 50 common core values. Most people have 6 or so. What are yours? Priorities tend to be relationships. Most of us have good priorities but many struggle to live them out in the right order. List your priorities in order of most important. A good but hard question to ask ourselves is “Does my life reflect the order of my priorities?” Stephen Covey said, “The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” How do we do this? One way is to jot down your regular routine and identify if there is a value & priority at play with each item. Does your highest priority show up in your routine and if so, how often? What shows up most often in your routine? Where do you see your other priorities in your schedule? Which of your priorities are not in your schedule? The years after Covid have shown us that we need social interaction and face-to-face connection. How do you refill your cup? How do you feed yourself physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Where do you have fun? Research says it takes 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain unless it’s done while having fun/playing. Then it only takes 10-20 repetitions! (Source Oak Tree Development Center)
Raising a child with a behavioral health challenge and/or special healthcare need is a marathon, not a sprint. As parents to children with complex needs, we do not have the luxury to say yes to everything. When my child began school, I was bombarded with volunteer opportunities and wanted to do them all- home room mom, reading helper, PTA member, book group leader, field trip chaperone, and so on. And don’t forget about snacks and lunches and birthday treats. I wanted them to be homemade, delicious, and perfect. My motivation to say “yes” varied. Sometimes I really wanted to participate, other times I felt like I had to if I wanted to be a “good” mom. Sometimes I wanted to participate because these were all new experiences for me and my child and I wanted to be involved in all of them. And sometimes it is just really hard to say “no.” Not only did I want to do most of these, I thought I “should” be able to do all of them. I saw other moms doing it all. I had dreams of doing it all with and for my child. As a mom to a child with extra needs, my expectations and dreams had to change. There is a grieving process when our life doesn’t turn out exactly as we thought it would. It’s important to grieve and find acceptance. It opens space for new dreams and hopes. It allows gratitude to grow in us for what we have. It can help to look at how many hours you spend taking care of your child. Time spent at appointments, driving to and from appointments, researching illnesses and therapies and resources and services. And don’t forget about the mental, emotional, and physical toll caring for a child with complex needs can have on us as caregivers. Added all up, how many hours is that in a school week? Sally Super Mom’s child doesn’t require the extra care, giving her extra hours in the week. Let her be home room mom, PTA president, reading buddy. I have found a good question to ask myself is, “Can someone else take this role?” No one else is going to be my child’s mom, but all the other parents can be home room mom. My child is also more likely to remember the time I spend with them than whether their treats were homemade. Give yourself permission to say yes or no based on your values and priorities. The stage of life you are in now will change. Your values and priorities might change. “No” doesn’t have to be forever, sometimes it’s just “not now.”
Now that we have identified our values, boundaries, and routine, how do we protect them? Boundaries! Boundaries are not our values and priorities. We put boundaries around our values and priorities to protect them. Like a fence. Having clear boundaries will help you make decisions about your time and will help others know what to expect from you. Boundaries are a form of self-care. They can protect from caregiver burnout and chronic stress. Boundaries are important to our health and wellness. And our wellness is important to our child.
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