By Beth Ayers, Family Support Lead
May 28, 2024
My child was never officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Partly due to their age (under 21) and partly because insurance companies didn’t like that diagnosis. I was told there was a lot of stigma around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and no treatment for it. Only the symptoms such as anxiety, depression, or impulsivity could be treated with medication. Dialectical Behavior Therapy was effective but not a “guaranteed fix” which is what insurances like to cover. Some doctors who saw BPD on a patient’s chart automatically assumed there was no hope for that patient. I appreciated the protection the doctors and therapists were trying to give our child, the chance to have hope and unbiased treatment. But I hated playing the insurance game and hiding because of stigma. My thought was, “If they have BPD, list it as a diagnosis.” If our child had a rare form of cancer, doctors wouldn’t think twice about putting it in their chart. Stigma does not get changed by hiding from it. It gets changed by being open and honest and authentic.
While our child was in a residential treatment program, we took a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) class, Family to Family. I remember reading the symptoms and characteristics of BPD. Every single one fit. Learning about BPD helped me to have hope (the opposite of the medical world.) It helped me make sense of why our child was constantly having new symptoms and problems. Throughout their teen years, they expressed struggling with Trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder), eating disorders, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal ideation, self-harm, insomnia, alcohol and drug addiction, and so on. What I saw as their parent was problems with impulsivity, defiance, oppositional behavior, black and white thinking, manipulation, having to have it their way, lying, trouble keeping friends and maintaining relationships, holding grudges, not following the rules, blaming others, arguing, being defensive, and extreme emotions. Learning about BPD helped me to not blame myself or my parenting, have more understanding and compassion for what they were going through, recognize the difficulty and confusion of living with BPD, learn how to not escalate things, look for targeted therapies, and not feel so alone by relating to other parents’ experiences raising a child with BPD.
I brought a lot of misconceptions I had learned about parenting and life in general into my adult life and role as parent. I thought that if I did everything right, things would turn out right. I thought I could parent in a “right” way that would keep my child from experiencing pain. I also thought that if I was a “good” parent, my child would not misbehave. I believed that one wrong move could change the course of their life forever and ruin everything. I questioned if I was doing the right things and making the right decisions. I thought I could fix things and control outcomes. By always trying to fix situations and people, I inadvertently gave my child the message that they couldn’t handle hard things. I struggled setting firm boundaries when often that led to extreme emotions and behaviors. I fought the urge not to rock the boat when things were going smoothly. The phrase “walking on eggshells” is often used to describe living with or parenting someone with BPD. It wasn’t until our child was in treatment that I realized how fearful I was and how the effects of mental illness impacted my life.
I listened to a webinar recently titled Embracing Your Own Path and Recovery While Supporting Family Members in Theirs. It touched on the idea that everyone in the family or household is part of the Family’s Mental Health Story, with each person responsible for their own recovery (or wellness) journey. While I thought the fact that I couldn’t change anyone else was defeating, I learned I CAN change myself, empowering me to begin working on me. My family found ourselves focusing all our energy and attention solely on the family member struggling the most. But each member of the family plays a role. My health, mental and physical, is just as important as my child’s. I need to practice healthy coping skills and self-care also. I can impact what is going on in my home by looking at what I’m contributing and what I can change (hint-only myself). I can be aware of how I show up for my child and my family. And if I don’t like what I see, I can work on and take care of myself so I can show up as my best self. I can offer myself and others grace when we struggle. I can acknowledge and accept that life is messy. Probably the best tool I have learned is forgiveness for myself and others, believing that when we know better, we do better.